How to Deal With Difficult Family Members

You’re forty-two years old. You run a team at work, you pay a mortgage, you’ve raised children. And within ten minutes of walking into your parents’ house, you’re fourteen again: sulky, defensive and furious that your mother has commented on your hair.

Families are strange. They’re the people who know us best, and often the people who can upset us fastest. A comment from a colleague slides off; the same comment from a sibling stays with you for a week.

This guide is about why family members can be so difficult, and what you can do about it. Not to fix your family, which is rarely possible, but to change how much of their behavior gets under your skin, and to keep the relationships you want on terms you can live with.

Why family is different

Families run on roles

Every family develops roles, often early and without anyone deciding them. The responsible one. The baby. The difficult one. The peacemaker. The one who “always overreacts”. These roles stick long after they stop being true. You might have changed enormously in twenty years, but to your family, you’re still the person you were at twelve.

The psychiatrist Murray Bowen, who developed one of the most influential theories of family systems, argued that families work like emotional units. When one person changes, the system pushes back to restore the old balance. That’s why, when you try to behave differently at a family gathering, you can feel everyone pulling you back into your old part.

Families have long memories

With friends or colleagues, an argument is usually about the thing being argued about. In families, every argument carries the weight of every previous one. A comment about how you’re raising your kids isn’t just about today; it echoes thirty years of comments about how you do things.

Families know your buttons

They should. They installed most of them. A sibling knows exactly which tone of voice makes you feel small. A parent knows which subject will set you off. We look at why in Why Do Family Members Know How to Push Your Buttons?.

You can’t easily leave

You choose your friends and, to some extent, your colleagues. Family comes with you. Even when relationships are strained, there are holidays, weddings, funerals and aging parents that bring people back together. That makes it harder to walk away, and raises the stakes of every conflict.

The behaviors that cause the most friction

Each of these has its own guide on this site.

Unsolicited advice

The parent who tells you how to load the dishwasher, the aunt with opinions about your career, the in-law who knows better about your children. Unsolicited advice is often love mixed with a need to feel useful and, sometimes, a quiet bid for control. See Unsolicited Advice: Why People Give It and How to Respond.

Sibling rivalry that never ended

Adult siblings who still compete for their parents’ approval, still keep score and still fall into the same arguments they had as kids. See Adult Sibling Rivalry: Why Siblings Still Compete.

Playing the victim

The relative who is always wronged, always suffering, always the one nobody appreciates. Every conversation somehow ends with you apologizing. See Why Do People Play the Victim?.

Button pushing

The comment that lands precisely where it hurts, every time. See Why Do Family Members Know How to Push Your Buttons?.

Comparison

Parents who compare their children’s jobs, marriages, incomes and grandchildren, openly or not. Comparison shapes sibling relationships for life. See Why Do Some Parents Compare Their Children?.

How to handle difficult family members

Notice the role you’re being pulled into

The first step is simply noticing when it happens. “I’m doing the peacemaker thing again.” “I’m being the rebellious one.” Once you can see the role, you have a choice about whether to play it. Bowen called this differentiation: being able to stay connected to your family while still thinking and acting as yourself.

Decide what you want from the relationship

Not every family relationship needs to be close. Some might be warm. Some might be polite and occasional. Some might need to be distant. It helps to decide, calmly and in advance, what you actually want. It’s much easier to handle a difficult visit when you know you’re aiming for “pleasant afternoon” rather than “finally get Dad to understand me”.

Set small, clear limits

Limits work best when they’re specific and set before the moment of conflict. “We’re going to stay for lunch, not the whole day.” “I’m happy to talk about anything except my divorce.” “If the conversation turns to politics, I’ll go for a walk.” Then keep them, calmly, without needing anyone to agree.

Keep it short when it’s likely to go badly

Many family conflicts happen in the third or fourth hour of a visit, when everyone is tired and the wine has been flowing. Shorter, more frequent contact often goes better than long, intense gatherings.

Don’t take the bait

When someone makes a pointed comment, you don’t have to respond to it. A neutral reply (“Hmm, maybe”) or a change of subject can be more powerful than the perfect comeback. The goal is not to win, but to not get pulled into the old game.

Talk to them, not about them

It’s tempting to vent to other family members. Occasionally that’s fine. But families are networks, and complaints travel. If something really matters, talking directly and privately to the person involved is almost always better than building alliances.

Find your allies

There’s often someone in the family who sees things the way you do: a sibling, a cousin, a partner. Agree on signals, like a look across the table that means “rescue me”. Debrief together afterwards. Having one person on your side changes the whole experience.

When distance is the right choice

Most family difficulty is the ordinary friction of people who love each other and get on each other’s nerves. But some isn’t. If a family member is abusive, cruel, manipulative or consistently harmful to your wellbeing or your children, reducing contact, or stopping it, is a legitimate choice.

It’s rarely an easy one. People who step back from family often face guilt, pressure from other relatives and grief for the relationship they wished they had. A therapist can help you think it through and cope with the aftermath.

You don’t owe anyone a relationship that harms you, even if they’re family.

Taking care of yourself

A few things help most people get through difficult family time:

• Plan something restorative before and after a visit.
• Keep your own routines, like exercise and sleep, even when you’re away.
• Have an exit plan: your own car, a set leaving time, a reason to step out.
• Remember that you can only change your side of the relationship.
• Be kind to your old self. The fourteen-year-old who still lives in you had good reasons for feeling the way they did.