Why Do People Lie?

You hold up a sweater you’ll never wear and say you love it. Your friend texts that she’s five minutes away, though she hasn’t left the house. Your colleague says he didn’t see your message, though he saw it immediately.

We’re surrounded by lies, and we tell plenty ourselves. Most of them are small. A few are not. And when you discover someone has lied to you about something that matters, it can shake your trust in them, and sometimes in your own judgment.

Understanding why people lie doesn’t make lying acceptable. But it helps you tell the difference between the everyday social lubricant and something more serious, and respond to each sensibly.

How often do people lie?

More than most of us would admit. In a well-known study led by the psychologist Bella DePaulo in the 1990s, people kept diaries of their social interactions for a week. On average, students told about two lies a day, and adults in the community about one. Most were small: pretending to like something, exaggerating, covering for minor mistakes.

Later research added an important twist. When Kim Serota, Timothy Levine and colleagues surveyed a large sample of Americans, they found that lying is not spread evenly. Most people reported telling no lies at all on a given day, or just one or two. A small group of prolific liars, around five percent of people, accounted for a large share of all the lies told.

So the picture is this: almost everyone lies a little, and a few people lie a lot.

Why people lie

To protect themselves

The most common reason. People lie to avoid punishment, blame, embarrassment or conflict. “I didn’t break it.” “I was stuck in traffic.” “I already sent it.” Many of these lies start in childhood, where they’re often the quickest way to escape trouble.

To get something

Some lies are strategic: to win a deal, get a job, gain an advantage or avoid paying for something. These are more deliberate, and often more damaging.

To protect someone else’s feelings

White lies, like praising a gift or a haircut, are told to spare someone’s feelings and keep social life smooth. Most people see them as harmless, even kind. They can become a problem when they pile up and nobody ever hears the truth.

To look better

Exaggerating achievements, inflating stories, pretending to know more than they do. These lies protect or raise status. They’re especially common in situations where people feel judged, like first dates, job interviews and social media.

To avoid hurting the relationship

Some people lie because they’re afraid that the truth will end things: they’ll be rejected, left or punished. Ironically, the lie, if discovered, often does more damage than the truth would have.

Because they’ve learned it works

People who grew up in homes where honesty was punished, or where a parent’s moods were unpredictable, sometimes learn that lying is the safest default. It becomes a habit rather than a decision.

Compulsive lying

A small number of people lie habitually, about big things and small, often when there’s no obvious reason. This is sometimes called pathological or compulsive lying. It isn’t a formal diagnosis on its own, but it can be linked to other conditions or to very low self-esteem. People who lie this way often find it hard to stop even when the lies are clearly harming them.

Small lies versus serious ones

Not all lies are equal. A few questions help separate the everyday from the worrying:

• Who does it serve? A lie to spare your feelings is different from a lie to take your money.
• What does it cost? Does the lie harm you, or someone else, if it continues?
• Is it a pattern? One lie about why they were late is different from constant dishonesty about where they’ve been.
• Do they own it when caught? People who admit a lie and apologize are very different from those who double down.

How to respond when someone lies to you

Check your evidence first

Before confronting someone, be sure of what you know. Accusing someone of lying when they’re telling the truth damages trust just as much as lying does.

Ask, don’t trap

It’s tempting to set traps, asking questions you already know the answer to and waiting for them to slip up. It might feel satisfying, but it usually makes people more defensive and more likely to lie again. It’s more effective to say what you know and ask directly: “You said you sent the report on Monday, but I can’t find it in my inbox. What happened?”

Focus on the effect

“When you told me you’d paid the bill and you hadn’t, we got a late fee and I felt I couldn’t trust what you tell me.” Talking about the effect is more useful than arguing about whether it was technically a lie.

Make honesty safer than lying

People lie less when the truth won’t be punished harshly. If someone comes clean, respond calmly, even if you’re upset. If every admission is met with fury, people learn to hide things better, not to lie less. This is especially important with children, and it applies to adults too.

Decide what you need

For small, occasional lies, it may be enough to name it and move on. For serious or repeated lies, you may need more: clearer agreements, more transparency, or, sometimes, distance. You’re allowed to decide that a relationship built on repeated dishonesty isn’t one you want.

If you lie more than you’d like

Most people who want to lie less find it helps to notice the moment just before the lie: the flash of fear, embarrassment or wanting to please. Pausing there, even briefly, gives you a chance to choose. “I’m running late, I’m sorry” is uncomfortable for a moment; “I’m five minutes away” when you haven’t left gets more uncomfortable every minute.

People who struggle to tell the truth often also struggle to apologize when they get things wrong, as we explore in Why Do Some People Never Say Sorry?. For the bigger picture of why people act as they do, see Why Do People Behave the Way They Do?.