I’m Ben Alder, and I write Why People Do That.
I’ve always been the one watching the room: noticing who goes quiet when a certain name comes up, who needs the last word, who apologizes too much and who never does. Years of working and living alongside all kinds of people taught me that most behavior that drives us mad makes more sense once you see what it’s doing for the person.
That’s what this site is about: one behavior at a time, what’s usually behind it, and what you can do about it.
I’m not a therapist, and this isn’t therapy. Each piece is built on research I read carefully and on a lot of everyday observation. If there’s a behavior you’d like explained, write to me. It might become the next piece.
Where to start
The essays are grouped by where the behavior tends to show up:
- Work: passive aggression, gossip, micromanaging bosses, bullying and the colleague who always interrupts.
- Relationships: shutting down, silent treatments, gaslighting, jealousy and defensiveness.
- Family: unsolicited advice, old sibling rivalries, button pushing and comparison.
- Everyday life: lying, ghosting, judging, people who only talk about themselves and people who never say sorry.
A new essay goes up every week, and the newsletter arrives every Wednesday.
Write to me
Questions, corrections and behaviors you’d like explained: [email protected].